The Message was playing

I stay up all night, telling my self I'm alright. Guess what? The truth is I'm not.

Keep being denial regarding my current condition. I'm So easily affected with the negative comment which clearly is just a joke. Therefore yeah, anxiety, insecurity, pain; they ready to strike me up- chopping my feelings, torturing my self like I don't deserve to live but ironically I'm too coward to die. Suicidal thought or even attempt never gets me but sometimes I just feel like I'm in my lowest point of life. The feeling of constantly in sorrow, like it couldn't be any lower. I'm tired wearing this mask; this fuckin' mask that properly shows "I'm okay all the time, your negative words, your traits never affect me, I'm way too emotionless to be affected with those words, I don't give a fuck." In fact, I do give a fuck. I'm overthinking, continuously thinking whether the words you were saying to me came out from your mouth sincerely that I don't deserve to live. It kills me even though I don't wanna live any longer either. Since it came out from someone's mouth I feel like my world stop runnin'. Is that so? I'm this worthless to this society and the more I dig into that feeling the more I feel like I want all of these to end directly at this point of time. 

I don't have any Luna Lovegood to say to me that I'm still sane. I'm exhausted doubting about this insanity. I'm tired of being sure that I'm okay. It feels like I can blow up right now but there's a wall which prevents it to happen, so I just can't. I can't even cry anymore when it strikes this side. This point just feels like everything goes blank and that black shadow's ready to eat me up and all I do is NOTHING. I keep telling my self "one must be frickin joking, " but my mind seems denied and ascribed that joke as a reality and turns it into poison and spreads its radiation. I'm tired of living it gives me a headache. Just because I never show any emotions, then It becomes valid to do whatever you want to destroy my feelings. It does not mean that I'm emotionless. No, I'm still a human. I feel pain and I feel hurt too. Sometimes I want to stop, I'm tired to be my own rescue, my one who can I talk to. I'm not so strong all the time. This agony feels so tangled and it makes me being clueless which path should I choose, and explicitly I would say this "don't command me to do anything. Fuck.that.shit. it's not helping. Your way of comparing my shit with yours, bruh that makes mine worse. And don't bring up about my faith. Let it be my own damn thing. My sacred privacy. Know your line, humans!