1:09 am thoughts

Joining this team was the most reasonable but also terrific decision I've ever made. Seeing my teammates who are consistently full of passions and eager to learn something new made me realize, "I truly need this kind of incentive in order to be able to grow as an authentic human being in a real working situation." 

At first and even now, it's still overwhelming sometimes that I can't even help but stress myself so much as I tend to overwork myself. 

I'm, not that type of person who can easily open up to people even with my closest. So, communicating about stuff which comes out from my mind often feels like a never-ending cycle of torture that I can't utter and tend to keep it for myself. 

I know it may harm the group and this type of traits are never decent at all or whatever it is, cause doing a group project which involves so many heads are undeniably though I'm ngl. (At this point of time I really wish that I can steal K's personality cause he's just so admirable, honest, straightforward and very transparent with his genuine feelings) 

Thus, as I always learn in every group project, communication is a must. Let out what you feel about me, about us, it does be okay and I won't get offended as there are no actual people on earth who have the compatibility match at perfectly 100 percent. 

Yet for me, it is so damn hard to communicate what I feel in a profound way about some aspect. As I am completely aware that I have this highly massive pride about my guts and abilities (easily read: I trust myself so much) and I couldn't even bear to waste my time messing with people who'll- let say mock it even just in a 'joking' way. (I'm sane enough to differentiate between joking and mocking)

So, instead of involving myself to engage with them which often leaves a scary remark, better hiding and avoiding those normal social patterns as "I have to socialize with people and widen up my connections or whatsoever-" 

Hence, I tend to figure things out by myself, avoiding being around with new people and being individualistic as I am, just like all this time. I rely on myself so much that I repeatedly forget that I am also part of the team, not all alone. I didn't have to put the standards which I applied on me to my teammates cause they all have their own way in approaching goals. 

So Im really sorry that it seems I work 'alone' too much and neglecting the probability in reaching any help related to things which we can divide and can work it out together, so the outcomes will come out better. 

I'm absolutely sorry that I even have this vibe of "just leave that to me I can handle it better cause I trust my sense and intuition in doing this work." 

It's just that when I enjoy doing something especially in the jobs which I preferred to take a charge all along by myself, I tend to be bossier particularly when we start to take any action, I'll be doing it way faster than others, particularly on how to make it more perfect, more qualified, and worthier. (so others perhaps perceive my way as "quite in a rush and too ambitious")

But I move on and open up my feelings. Glad my teammates are so supportive and they understand me and they have not disgraced my personality, cause, in the end, we all have flaws anyway, and coping with the right way to handle this matter is the best solution for our bonds and rhymes of work. I hope we're lasting till the end and making profits together! Cheer up, my teammates.