the part of me changing

End of January

Breathe, an epiphany emerges as your breath ushering you towards it.

🌼

I am grateful.

Do you know why am I grateful? I start to stop comparing myself to others. (Probably not entirely stopping but I'm learning not to.) There's so much thing I want to write but fast-paced daily to-do that I have to fulfil (mostly related to work and college stuff) is unbearably tight recently. So, for writing my random thoughts or even continuing Jane- omg it feels quite hectic if I can say so, lol. But this writing will not be about Jane or any kpop boys I'm obsessed with (well perhaps..), it will be about how I learn to stop comparing myself to others and focusing on myself. 

It initially begins when I saw this soul, he's just too magical to even exist in the first place but glad I know him. Probably his existence itself is a tool that made me realize life is not only about you, so why would you even agonize your life with the anguish of comparing yourself with somebody you barely know? I'm freshly reaching my 20s phase and there's a lot that goes on. Besides, choosing my 20s to be wasted over my inferiority complex is not quite right. 

Perhaps lots of people who come to my life have a quite significant portion to change how I think. I've been dealing with people whose low self-esteem is unbearably unmanageable and it affects not only them but also the whole situation related to them. If I may describe, the tension is quite overwhelmed by the negative atmosphere, and everything seems dusky and almost feels like every door is closed and we are not able to get out from the distressing situation. 

And I start to ponder, so this is how it feels when your brain tells you that you're not as good as somebody else, not as intelligent as somebody else, not as pretty as somebody else, not as interesting as somebody else and the list goes on and how it actually is affecting others. 

At that moment, somehow I acknowledged that everything we have seen or have watched and what kind of environment surrounded us significantly takes an immense role in shaping the tendency of these inferiority problems such as insecurity, self-blaming, inferiority complex, and low self-esteem. And those fractions are mostly being triggered by comparing ourselves to someones we think are just so flawlessly stunning and perfect. 

I honestly do not think that I am that severe in terms of comparing myself to others. Sometimes it's just the everyday situation when your people in your circumstance tend to do that- (unconsciously or perhaps not) as a part of how you socialize. If that is the case, there are chances that you will tend to normalize degrading yourself in the action of thinking that somehow you wish you could be as good as the people whom you are comparing yourself with or even better. 

This is quite irresistible knowing that your mind is programmed to be mean to yourself in terms of the idea of lowering your perception about yourselves and using somebody else as a measurement to measure your- whatever aspect which you are comparing yourself with. For real, this particular habit is quite concerning specifically looking at how people tend to normalize it. (I still am even unconsciously doing it.)

But then, when I started to loosen myself a bit and shifting the thinking as "the portrayal of some people you think are perfect, that doesn't mean the whole existence of them are perfect too," trust me they have flaws that they're trying to cover and hide. In my case, that is adequate enough to not compare what should not have been compared in the first place. As a result, you're not going to feel hurt and feel tiny if there are somebodies who are a million times better than you since they have their capacity, and so have you. You have your own. So, don't always regard that everyone on this earth wants to compete against you, no! That will just add to your burden and the weight on your shoulders getting heavier. 

Instead, talk to them, share perspective, befriend them and your vision will eventually get much broader than just focusing on how you make them possibly get beaten by you and you eventually being the best of all. Just don't. Don't pain others if you don't want to be pained. Just be kind, don't over assume. Remember, your part is only to take control of yours and yours only and your involvement of being in somebody else's part perhaps not that significant or not even substantial at all. So, stop comparing, see them as a means to broaden your insight and focus on matters that interest you the most. Life's too short to be spent in the form of hatred and hostility.

Last, if you still compare, it actually is okay as long as you do not do any further stuff that will make you think less of yourselves. If you're comparing yourself to the best person to get the best version of yourselves, then that's really okay. Even though this might sound idealistic and cliché, as a person who starts to value my existence as not as something which any less than theirs, I eventually wish I can minimize as well as reduce the tendency of bad-mouthing myself just because there are people whom I assume a million ways better than me. 

Thank you for entirely reading my writings! Have a good day ☁