Your Eyes Are Scary

When I started to talk, expecting one to listen then before I even finished my words they cut it with prejudice "what a pathetic life you live in", well, fuck off.

I don't beg you to listen to my sorrow. Exactly, that's the point. I know how miserable my life is. I just wish a breath to say that it's normal, saying I've been there too. But what I have got was reversed. They started to say what a plain life I live in, what an overdramatic human being I am. Tedious, irritating, monotonous, all of those words labelled on me. You all have no idea how cheerful, innocent and energetic I was. But some miserable stuff happened and it took my battery. I become plain. I feel like blaming that occurrence is pointless. Instead, I insisting that was on me. All of those happened for the sake of my life and my reality. Therefore, it is a way to me to be an actual grown-up, it's a damned process. But for 14 years old girl who has issues. It's way too serious, complicated and entangled.

one should I underline too, happiness for each person in this fuckin world is absolutely different. You may chuckle when you are surrounded by people, going out with so many people gives you extra energy but for some people, it drains their energies so bad and they prefer to be alone merely by themselves. Hence judging those preferences are not the answer. Giving a comment is okay but please watch your language, cause it may be hurtful as hell if you just throw a malicious comment into their "pathetic way of life", you said. It's not a fuckin simple, I have ever treated people like shit too cause Im human, I made mistakes. Then I've been mistreated Like I was nothing too. That's called life. Nonetheless, to have a constant condition in this phase (being mistreated) is wearisome. Besides, assuming the world revolves around you is a misstep. It leads to distinct error behavioural and it pisses your surroundings. I precisely now, that we live in a society where every single soul is free to make an assumption about my life. But please, know the line. Just because it is a freewill then It becomes valid to degrade other people down. No, it does not run this way. Consequently, What they know possibly just the sweet ones, the brilliant one, but the bitter one? They all have no idea how responsibility, burden, and expectation my family has put on me as time goes by draining out my life.

Then let's talk about something deeper. I indeed know how sore it was to face a failure, my works were seen as a scrap, those negative judgmental voices filled up my everyday life like I was not even able doing anything, the voice said, "your writing is such a boring, the grammar doesn't even correct, your style of writing is a definite plateau." One I never shared. How sleepless night haunts me until my eyelid does not have the same size as its actual. How I lingering over my room and feels like a stuck. The feeling of being an absolute complete moron, thinking about the deadline, the emptiness of my works and the damned perplexity standard of mine, my brain will soon explode. Immediately I become aware of each individual struggle and I cannot easily mad to people (except in a jokingly way with my people) I used to know or even I just know. It brings me to realisation Why I waste my time to hesitate whether this one is proper enough to be shared, whether this one is decent enough to be known by the public. It undeniably shapes me into a body with countless insecurity. Single validation from my closest is enough to convince me, contemplating that "it's not that bad".

I'm that insecure. Even when one says "something is wrong with your eyes" I'll think of it and unstoppably trying to cover my eyes as good as I could. Yet I'll act like it was nothing. This part is the most bitter for me, I can't even accept my tangible feelings and tend to bury it with another feeling until it was covered up with thousand layers of sickening emotions. I'm that cruel to myself until I forget how nauseating my way to accept my self. Constantly being delusional, making up some scenarios in my brain, imagining that I eventually have another life with a different body who is prettier, richer, better or even taller than me. But please, with the same soul I beg. so I would know how it feels. I keep wondering, in my previous life- what was I? Cause the feeling of I'm too ordinary to be appreciated and I'm too typical to be something bigger in my life has continuously haunted me up until now. Was my previous existence much more difficult than this? What kind of family who had raised me Or What kind of sinner I was. Those unanswered questions keep repeating and repeating until it physically hurt. Well, fuck I need to stop thinking, I hit a headache. 

What a life I live in, anyone feel the same?